Handy Man Hassle

My husband is very handy around the house, but when he's finished a job, he doesn't put all the tools away. The whole basement is a workshop, but he has set up a toolbox in the upstairs bathroom so things are closeby. Is it unreasonable of me to ask him to put all his tools away in the basement when a project is done (or on a break)?

She said: No, it is not unreasonable for you to ask that he put his things away when he is finished with them. However, if he can find an acceptable “satellite office” in the bathroom or elsewhere upstairs that won’t be in your way for some of his more frequently used tools that might be a good compromise. Perhaps the two of you can discuss where a good location would be. If he is still leaving his tools out after that, a gentle humorous reminder might do the trick to avoid any friction. The wording “put all his tools away” puts me in mind of kids not putting all their toys away. So perhaps the children’s song “clean up clean up everybody clean up” might be funny and yet do the trick.

He said: My suggestion is to make sure he is done before requesting the tools be removed. Speaking from experience, it can be annoying to have to get them all out and put them back twice. However, if he is done and you have asked him nicely to move them and given him a chance to do so and he still hasn’t, then just move the offending tools downstairs and let him sort them out correctly when he needs them.

Man Up!?

In this day and age, women are running everything. The house, a career, the family schedule... I'd like my Man to do some taking charge. Any suggestions of things he can do to step up to the plate and make me feel "taken care of"?

She said: First I have to say be careful how you phrase that. It may be your experience that “women are running everything,” but I know plenty of households where that isn’t true and there are many families that actually have reversed roles so that the woman is off at work all day and the husband is “Mr. Mom.” However, you aren’t asking about them, you are asking about you so…

In my experience, people will get away with what they can get away with. In a previous question you mention ten years of marriage so you may have an uphill battle here because it sounds like maybe you are changing the rules in the middle. If you set the precedent that you were going to “take care of him” by doing all those things you mentioned above, but now you wish you hadn’t, it is hard to blame him for letting you.

But ultimately what you need to do is talk with him about your feelings. Tell him what specifically you want, whether it is to feel taken care of, or to have less autonomous responsibility, or to relinquish certain tasks like bill paying or making dinner. Then, and this is the most important part, once you have BOTH agreed upon what he is going to take over, let him do it! That means don’t micromanage; delegate and be done. If he forgets to defrost something for dinner after agreeing that diner will be his responsibility, make that his problem when he has to run out to the grocery store at the last minute. Or, if he forgets to pay a bill make the financial responsibility of the error fall strictly to him (he can take it out of his beer money- see my earlier post: “Entertaining Budget Ideas”). But be careful not to ask him to do something and then tell him how to do it. If you give someone a responsibility, you have to let him handle it his way.

He said: My advice is that if he is the primary financial provider and you are the main caregiver and household caretaker, that you cut back on your career if at all possible. Today’s woman wants to do it all, but then complains that it is hard to be everything to everyone.

But if cutting back on your career is not possible for financial reasons, then you need to appeal to his man-side (grunt, grunt bang on chest). Explain to him that you are having problems managing everything and see if he’ll take some things over, then let him.

Remind him that the family is his main responsibility and that the financial aspect is only one part of that. Put forth all the chores you are doing and all the stress you are under and appeal to his sense of fairness. Ask him which things (bill paying, cleaning, cooking, kids homework, etc.) he would like to take over. If you sit down with a prepared list of responsibilities and engage him in trying to divide it up as evenly as you both can, you should be able to come to a reasonable division of labor that will be fair to both of you.

But Tommy's Mommy Lets Him!

What do you do when your kid is friends with someone whose parents do not have the same parenting philosophy as you?

She said: Welcome yourself to the human race? Every single person out there has this problem because no parent has the same exact philosophy as the next. But your question begs the question of specificity. Are we talking you don’t let your child watch TV but when he goes to Tommy’s house they sit and watch cartoons? Or are we talking that your daughter’s best friend's parents let them hang out in the basement and smoke pot on the weekends? These are two monumentally different problems.

In cases like the first, I say you need to have your rules and let them have theirs. You can teach your child that he has to follow the rules of the house he is in and then explain your house rules to his friend when he comes over.

In cases like the latter, you may need to step in a control with whom your child associates. You can’t expect other people to parent the way you do, but you can determine what is acceptable for your own children. If there is a family that’s philosophy is so diametrically opposed to your own, you can forbid your child to go to that house. Make it clear that the friend is welcome in your house any time but that you will not allow your child to engage in the offending behavior even if her friend’s parents say it is okay. I would follow that with a call to the friend’s parents telling them that you certainly respect their right to make their own house rules but that your daughter is not allowed to engage in that certain behavior and that you would appreciate it if they would send her home if that activity is taking place. Most parents will respect your decision as long as you don’t sound judgmental delivering it. In very rare instances, you may need to express to your child (and possibly even the friend’s parents) that if you are disobeyed you will make the authorities aware of what is going on. But that should be a last resort.

He said: Baskin & Robbins has 31 flavors and there are this many and more parenting styles. Your style isn’t necessarily more right or theirs more wrong. Your parenting style is your own and right for YOUR kids. You know what is best for them and other parents know what is best for their own children. So unless their parenting style is actually hurting your child for example they allow their children to hit and “fight it out,” then get over it.

Then discuss with your child why your rules are in place and may not be for others. Sometimes you need to explain that “Smith rules are for the Smith family.” Try not to offend the other parents if possible, but in the end your kids are your responsibility so you have to do what you feel is right. That is your most important job so don’t give in to societal pressures. That is not the America we grew up in and part of what is wrong with the country today. Every kid needs to hear “Because I said so!” every now and then.

This all goes back to the expression “if So and So’s parents let her jump off a bridge would you?” Because someday this will come to “So and So’s parents let him drink at 17” (and heaven forbid then drive). Is this where you want this to lead to? If not, stand your ground, stick to your convictions, and raise your own child the way you feel is right.

Monetary Harmony

Okay, I'll bite...how have you made it through 15 years of marriage without a single argument about money?

We said: I am more of a saver; he is more of a spender. I ask for almost everything as a gift for a birthday or Christmas; he buys what he wants when he sees it. I take short weekends with friends to family owned cabins in neighboring states; he flies across country to watch the Red Sox play in multiple cities each year. His haircuts cost $20; my color cost about six times as much. So how is it we have never had an argument about money? Here is our simple plan:

1. Figure out how much you spend on all joint expenditures. Consider everything from mortgage, food, gas, cable, phone, electric, oil, kids activities, to retirement and college funds, even joint vacations. Don’t leave out anything that you would categorize as a “family” expense.
2. Include some money for the unexpected (car repairs, leaky roof, etc.) We used the figure of 10% of the joint salaries before expenses. We call this rainy day money. Thank God we did this because after being unemployed for 16 months it is pouring!
3. Then it is a simple algebraic equation. What percent of each of your salaries is needed to cover your joint expenses? For us it was originally 96% of each salary; it went down to 90% at one point and now that we are unemployed it is up to 100% of every penny we may earn.
4. Have the corresponding amount automatically deposited from each of your paychecks into a joint checking account.
5. Then set up individual savings accounts.
6. Each individual can spend his or her money on whatever they want without accounting to the other. But when your own money runs out it is gone…you cannot dip into the joint account for any reason!

That way, there is never an argument that he spent too much on golf or that she wasted money on that new pair of jeans. We also use our “me” money to buy the other person’s birthday and anniversary gifts. Somehow it felt funny the other way since it meant we were contributing to our own gift.

Unless you make exactly the same salary, one of you will have more “me” money than the other, but that person also contributes more to the joint account. A percentage-based contribution is really the fairest way to go.

At one point I was a stay at home mom and I had saved enough money to support this plan for 5 years. When it ran out, I got a part time job so I would have some more me money and of course I began contributing to the household expenses again. I only made about $150 a week so I only got $15 for myself, but it kept us both honest and out of arguments.

If you are in a situation where one of you can’t work then you can devise a budget that works for you both. Perhaps you each get half of what’s left over. Again, you have to figure out your household expenses FIRST. You can only spend money on incidentals if you have the extra money to spend or this won’t work. If you can’t pay bills because you are overindulging yourselves, you’ll fight no matter what. And if that sounds like you, our advice is to cut up the credit cards and spend cash only. You can’t spend what you don’t have and that will keep you honest. For the rest of you, this yours/mine/ours approach has proven very successful for us and we hope it will for you too!

Good Morning America's Next Advice Guru-shesaid:hesaid

First let me thank you all for taking the time to visit the shesaidhesaidadvice.blogspot.com. We are thoroughly enjoying this new venture and appreciate not only your thoughtful questions but also your readership. Dale and I have recently applied for the Good Morning America Advice Guru Position and hope that we have your support and vote when the time comes. We will keep you updated on how that is progressing. We hope you will follow the search at www.abcnews.go.com/GMA/ and give us your support and ask your friends and family to do the same. In the meantime, keep checking in with us here to see the advice we are giving our readers and don't forget to ask us those tough questions you would like to see answered!

Entertaining Budget Ideas

My husband and I are about to celebrate our 10 year anniversary. We are happily married with two very busy children. Times being what they are, we are finding that much of our expendable income is being spent on the children and their needs/activities. How do we find a balance so that we, as a couple, can have resources reserved for our activities? It feels like there is never anything left over at the end of the month for a babysitter and a couple tickets to the movies...

She said: First: Budget. Budget. Budget. If you don’t have a budget set up you should. You probably have funds allocated for rent/mortgage, food, utilities, gas, retirement, college funds etc., but you also have to budget for entertainment, and not just for the kids. Happy children only come from happy parents. All the ballet, or karate classes in the world won’t bring your kids joy if their parents are stressed out and miserable because they aren’t taking a break for a little fun too. You have just as much right to entertainment as your children, maybe more because they can go out and play with their friends every day to blow off steam. If you are like the rest of us, you can’t; you have too much to do.

Make sure you split the budget equally. Whatever amount you have allocated for entertainment should be split four ways with EACH of you getting an equal part. You are not a better parent for playing the martyr so your kids can do two activities instead of one. Then it is just a matter of prioritizing. Do you want that nice dinner out or the short romantic vacation? Save up by having a picnic in the park, or a glass of wine on the back deck after the kids go to bed. Time out to connect is important but need not be expensive. Make a list of inexpensive of free “play dates” for you and your husband and then open a special account. Put your entertainment money in there EVERY PAYCHECK and see how quickly it grows. But you can’t pull it out for new ballet shoes or a rainy day movie for the kids. Remember there are plenty of inexpensive or free entertainment options available for them too. Last word: Stick to that budget!

He said: Since this seems to be a question of money not necessarily time, it sounds like you need to prioritize. Couple time is important but it doesn’t have to be expensive. Consider spending your time together taking walks, picnics, playing tennis, or having a quiet dinner together after the kids are in bed. Even just a glass of wine by the fireplace will get you some of that much wanted and needed alone time.

Cut back on the money you spend on others. You can come up with thoughtful and inexpensive gifts such as offering to baby-sit for someone in the same situation, or running someone’s errands for a day, or doing their yard work, or a daunting task around their house like painting, or organizing a room. You should not feel the need to “Keep up with the Joneses.” People will understand that money is tight and if they don’t they probably don’t deserve that expensive gift you wanted to give anyway.

At your own birthdays or this anniversary you mentioned coming up, ask for gift certificates to restaurants or the movies, or even for free babysitting. People will appreciate knowing what it is you really want and you’ll appreciate their gift so much more.

Finally, you mentioned the kids are very busy. Cut back on the money you spend on their activities. By simplifying their schedules, you’ll automatically save money too. Remember when we were kids? We used to have this thing called the “outdoors.”

Now Showing: Rampant Rudeness on Screen 1

Dear shesaid:hesaid

Is there anything we can do about the rampant rudeness in movie theaters? Young people as well as adults talk, to each other and on their cells, right during a movie!

She said: I’ve been trying to tackle the rampant rudeness question all my adult life. Unfortunately, I think we are dealing with an epidemic. But regarding your question concerning talking during movies, one thing I’ve always wanted to do when someone is talking loudly and disturbing me (whether in a movie theatre, or elsewhere) is join in the conversation. Wouldn’t it be satisfying to respond to their loud inquiry of “Can you believe he said that I couldn’t keep a secret?!” with, “Well yes, considering you’re announcing your relationship issue to a theatre full of strangers.”? Some day I am going to try that.

But, most people aren’t willing to take that tack. So my advice for the rest of you is to do something completely logical, yet often overlooked. It might make you a little uncomfortable, but if you want someone to change their behavior, first you have to let them know it is bothering you. So politely and without anger, tell the offender that you are trying to hear the movie but are unable to do so over their conversation. Most people are more ignorant than rude. If you point out they are disturbing you, many will blush, apologize, and then be quiet. If this doesn’t work, a complaint to the movie house manager is the way to go. If enough people complain, then eventually the management will do something about it.

He said: I say, talk to a manager first and make the rude behavior the movie theatre’s problem, others will thank you. The theatres play a no talking; no cell phones instructional movie before the main feature and as a paying customer, you have a right to make them enforce their own rules. THEN, if the offending party persists, embarrass them by asking them to be quiet in a way others can overhear and make sure they know if they don’t you’ll go get the manager again.